ricky_bobby19

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

HELLO?

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

Fresh and not Fit

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

Speak to me

Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML

Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

Keep us posted

Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his 15 year-old daughter, the dog. FML

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

They're after us!

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

That'll look good in the morning

Today, my daughter and I went to the carnival and had our faces painted. When we returned home hours later, I realized I have a deep sunburn all around my face, except for the skin under the paint in the shape of a gecko. FML

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

A date to remember

Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn't remind them. FML

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Bananarama

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML