Anglaise

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail, because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

WTF FML

Today, while I was walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take two hours to get there. They called two hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another two hours. FML

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

Pranked!

Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML