CJ77

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

Hangry

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

Asshat

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

Cats > Relationships

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

Cats > Humans

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

Brain melt

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

What are you doing?

Today, I started doing a striptease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML

Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

Karaoke night

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

Wisdom

Today, my son told me to "grow a pair" and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years-old. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML