Mademoiselle Toronto, ON, Canada 46 ans En couple
Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML
Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML
Today, it's my one-year anniversary of being sober. For the occasion, my father decided to spice-up my non-alcoholic cocktail with booze. I didn't realize, and drank it. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML
Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML
Today, I spoke with my boyfriend about where we want to live when I graduate. He says he doesn't know what he wants and his mother wouldn't approve of us living together. We've been together 3 years with the understanding we would live together once I graduated my Master's. FML
Today, all other moms I know have cute stories about their husbands panicking during the birth. Not me, mine flew to Vegas the week I was due and solicited an undercover female officer. He’s not held the baby yet, he’s still in jail for resisting arrest and contempt of court. FML
Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again, saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said, "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML
Today, I was having a deep conversation with a woman at a bus stop about philosophy. Little did I know, her boyfriend was rummaging through my purse while she kept my focus. I’m a PhD candidate in philosophy, and it was the best conversation I’d had it months. FML
Today, my two year-old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two-hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML
Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML
Today, it was supposed to be date night but my sister's husband was taken to hospital, so I agreed to to babysit my nieces. My boyfriend went out drinking by himself because, “it’s not his fault I have nieces and can’t say no to my sister, so why should his night be ruined?” FML
Today, I found out that when you and your boyfriend are having sex and you say, “I wanna have your baby” and he says, “Yes baby” and ejaculates inside you, it doesn’t mean he’s gonna stay. He said in his defense, “You said you wanted to have my baby, I never said I agreed to be a father.” FML
Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML
Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one, he responded with, "That's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML
Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML
Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML
Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML
Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML
Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML
Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML
Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML
Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML
Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML
Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML
Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML
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