Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML
Today, after taking my crush to the train station late at night, I sat in a local park alone with my thoughts for a while. Two cops appeared out of nowhere and started searching me for drugs and weapons, asking me questions for a good 30 minutes. Not the kind of action I expected tonight. FML
Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML
Today, my local USPS delivery man refused to deliver any more packages to my house, because in the past, my dogs have barked at him and he feels threatened. He also filed a complaint about our house because apparently my driveway has branches that, to him, are considered "hazardous." FML
Today, after being in a committed relationship for five years, I just found out that my girlfriend's parents have no idea that we are together. She says she "forgot" to tell them. FML
Today, at college, I asked the girl who usually sits next to me if she wanted to team up on our latest assignment. She gave me a disgusted look, said "Um, I'm MARRIED. Creep." and walked away. Seriously, what the fuck? FML
Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML
Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML
Today, while entering in my college building, I noticed that my right shoelace was untied and I tied it. I didn't realize that just in front of me was a metal beam until I hit my head hard on it and a loud, reverberating sound was produced. Many people saw what happened. FML
Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML
Today, my boyfriend moved in with me. I just walked into my kitchen to find my thirty year-old, perfectly seasoned cast iron skillet completely submerged in soapy water in the sink, presumably from last night when he washed the dishes. FML
Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML
Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML
Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML
Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML
Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML
Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML
Today, my dad told my girlfriend that she's the son he never had. FML
Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away, and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML
Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML
Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML
Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML
Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML
Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, and just signed the lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML
Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML
Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML
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