SweeneyLovett

True Love Waits

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

Life imitates art

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year-old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

Dumb it down

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I thought it'd be hot to have it off on the golf course once it was dark. Who would've thought that sprinklers start up once it's pitch dark. I got a lot wetter than I thought I would. FML

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my Mii knocked out her Mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one-player mode. FML

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

Today, my husband left for a two-week trip. Last night he gave the dog a treat of steak fat and gristle. My treat? I am on bed rest with my pregnancy and helpless to stop the rancid dog farts that are silent and smell like a burning septic tank exploded. FML

Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Cheap

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

Today, I went to an elementary school for volunteer work. I was asked to read to a group of kids during one of the classes. Before I started reading, a girl raised her hand and asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was single. I asked her why and she said "My daddy wanted to know." I'm 16. FML

The language of love

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML