Evilpishi

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

Get on with it

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

Oh crap

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in any sexual activity anymore because it's getting too boring. FML

Gammy got game

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Partytime! Yay!

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But… Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

Don't listen to him

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were watching a movie in my basement. I ran upstairs and popped a bag of popcorn. Later I came downstairs to find my 10 year-old brother sitting next to my girlfriend, saying, "My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means." FML

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had "something serious" to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was two hours long. FML

Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML

Stay fresh

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I'm a 23 year-old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML