39 ans
Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. I recognized him. He's the guy that broke into my car and stole my backpack two weeks ago. FML
Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML
Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML
Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML
Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML
Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML
Today, I hit a new low in my diet. There was a danish sitting on the table in the break room at work, and I wanted it. At the end of day, one of the guys threw it into the dumpster. Guess who just ate a dumpster danish. FML
Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML
Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML
Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML
Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML
Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML
Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML
Today, my wife and I are planning a simple team meal for our son's team. We're stuck on pulled pork or meatballs. I've told her I don't care. She's still indecisive. This has been going on for two days. We're now not talking, over meatballs. FML
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML
Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML
Today, my 17 year-old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished, she offered me some, but it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML
Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML
Today, I had to cover for a coworker who didn't turn up for work. He's always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again, so I said to my colleagues, "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML
Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML
Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML
Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML
Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML
Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML
Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML
Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML
Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML
Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML
Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it look like a penis. I laughed. I'm 33. FML
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