Today, I called the landlord about the mouse I keep seeing in my kitchen. He wasted no time accusing me of keeping it as a pet, and went off on me about his "No Pets" policy. FML
Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML
Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML
Today, I went to a concert. One of my favorite bands was performing, and I'd had the ticket for seven months, with a great seat for the show. It was all going perfectly, that is until a guy twice my height sat in front of me. FML
Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML
Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML
Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML
Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML
Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML
Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what possessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to discuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML
Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML
Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML
Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML
Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML
Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML
Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML
Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML
Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML
Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a shit in the background. FML
Today, it's my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted out, "You too!" FML
Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML
Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML
Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML
Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML
Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML
Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML
Today, while giving my fiancé a hand-job, my ring got stuck in his pubes. We had to awkwardly get to the kitchen to get scissors. FML
Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML
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