juicy_extasy

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

Today, I witnessed a man die from a heart attack. When I told my dad later, he said "Lose some weight or you'll be next." FML

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with, "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

Back in fashion (Oppenheimer dolls not so much)

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

Today, my 19 year-old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

Nice neighborhood

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

Crossed wires

Today, I got into a minor argument with my fiancé. Deciding it wasn't worth fighting over, I shrugged and said, "Really, what are we even doing this for?" To which he replied, "Honestly, I don't know. I haven't loved you in years… Oh, you meant about the fight." And just like that, I'm now single. FML

Rammed

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML