juicy_extasy

Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

Non-Nepo baby

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

Superficial

Today, I found my high school crush on Facebook. He asked me out. Too bad he's fat and bald now. FML

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

Today, while naked, my fiancée said there was something wrong with her butt. She turned around and I leaned in to look at it. She then farted in my face. On purpose. FML

A like is a like, dude

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

Trawling

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

Serious business

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

Whistleblower

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML

Today, we ordered from a burger joint through Uber Eats. We waited over an hour for the food when it should have arrived in 25 minutes. Looking back at the app, we saw that the order was cancelled. The dude was hungry and decided to steal our food and take off. FML

Today, my 21 year old daughter introduced me to her new boyfriend. I had to call him "sir" for two reasons: he's 59 and he's my boss. FML

Standards

Today, I was told that I wasn't "long-term material" by a guy who has the words "white trash" tattooed across his knuckles. FML

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

Today, I had a job interview. After two hours of commute, thirty minutes filling out questionnaires, and fifteen minutes of actual interview, the recruiter told me the post had already been filled. FML

We meet again

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

Today, after a long series of tests, I found out that I’m sterile. My wife is currently pregnant with our second child. I think I have some questions for her. FML

Creepy

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

The long game

Today, my gay best friend slept over, as he has many times during the past three years of our friendship. This time, however, he confessed to me that he's only pretended to be gay to get closer to me because he's in love with me. I've allowed my stalker to sleep in my house and in my bed for three years. FML

Today, a woman messaged me on a dating app to tell me that I was ugly, and that I shouldn't be allowed on the site. FML

Today, I was happy to find flowers at my desk when I came to work. Then I discovered all the women received flowers, while the men received bonus checks. Yes, because women should be paid in flowers. FML

Today, I went to the home of a guy I was talking to on Tinder to hook up. His wife answered the door and invited me in. She wanted to watch. FML

Today, after recently celebrating our third wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say, "I do." I'm now married to my step-brother. FML

Today, I was taking my 3 month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon." I've never had a baby. FML

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML