Black_Letter

Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

Forgive them all

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

Work sucks

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

Catfished

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

I love my family

Today, during an argument with my daughter, she screamed, "Everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration, where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

Burglary [gone sexual]

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML