plutonium789

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

Fight me

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said, "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML