LavenderSessions

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

Today, I saw a large spider carry away the body of a dead spider in the bathroom. In my anthropology class, we learned one of the first signs of civilization is caring for the dead. First, they become civilized, and next, they take over. I will never sleep again. FML

Today, I asked a co-worker why he was wearing sandals, as they are not allowed under our strict dress code. He got extremely angry with me and stormed off. Ten minutes later, I got called into our boss' office. Apparently, he told her that I walked up to him and asked to suck his toes. FML

Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

Work sucks

Today, my friend explained that his internship was clearly worse than mine because he got yelled at by clients. One of my clients ripped out my hair. FML

It's coming!

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

Creepshow

Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML

Today, I finally got a good seat on a plane. I don't know what the man next to me had eaten, but I was trapped for two hours next to him as he let out silent, deadly egg farts the entire trip. There was nowhere to escape. FML

Today, at a bar, I overheard two attractive men speaking in French. I went over and tried to introduce myself with what little French I know. They looked at me like I was crazy and then said in English, "What are you doing?" Turns out they weren't speaking French. FML

Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML

Something

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something?" I asked. I was not expecting the answer, "A period mural." FML

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

Today, I went to a salon to have my eyebrows waxed. During the application the woman sneezed. The wax is not water based, so no matter what they tried, it would not come out of my eyebrows. I now have to decide whether leave the noticeable brown wax in my eyebrows or wax them all off and draw them in. FML

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

Effective

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

Today, at a family dinner, my mom announced that my newborn brother was named after his father. His name is Kevin. My dad's name is Michael. FML

Breaking news

Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

Talk to me baby

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML

Today, my crush came into the gas station I work at and said, "Man, you look hot today!" Flattered, I thanked him. He replied, "No, I mean like hot and sweaty, like you've been working hard." FML

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married when his wife showed up at my door. That's about the same time she found her husband is gay, and that Ashley can be a man's name. FML