kenyrabit

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

Envy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

Today, I found out my grandmother doesn't wear underwear when she bent over in front of me in her inappropriately short nightgown. FML

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML

Late stage Lucy Letby

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

Hard no

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

Good to know

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

Feed me and shut up

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

Today, I married a wonderful man. Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. He just told me I was the worst he's ever had. FML

Sorry, son

Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML

Fragile

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

Today, my dad hid the toilet paper and is charging me 50 cents a roll. FML

The Cheek!

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML