Mademoiselle 38 ans Célibataire
Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML
Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML
Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML
Today, I told a girl that I liked her. She replied, "Don't." FML
Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They apparently thought it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML
Today, my fiancée got out of the shower, completely shaved. I went over to her, wrapped her in a hug and asked her what the occasion was. She pulled away and said that she had a gyno appointment. My fiancée will clean up for the gyno, but not for me. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML
Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML
Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML
Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML
Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing "trash juice". FML
Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML
Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML
Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML
Today, I spent the entire day at the hospital and was sent home attached to an obnoxious and somewhat painful heart monitor. I felt fine and decided to go to a bonfire with a few friends. I thought everyone was being nice until I overheard the guys referring to me as an unattractive xbox. FML
Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML
Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML
Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML
Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML
Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML
Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML
Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wants to be a stripper when she grows up, just like "Daddy's girlfriend." We're still married. FML
Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML
Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee, but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed on my face. FML
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