kenyrabit

Confuddled

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML

Force of habit

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon…" and ended the same conversation with "…and that's why we should divorce." FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

Today, I walked into what I thought would be a surprise birthday party. It wasn't. It was my parents staging an intervention over my cat obsession. FML

How can I put it…?

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad's poker game. He didn't know I was there, and was telling his friends what he would do to my girlfriend if I wasn't dating her. FML

Sexy talk

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

Joe Smooth

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

Pay attention

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

Name and shame

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

Today, my wife is unreasonably mad at me for telling our kids to call toilet paper, "Butt Floss". FML

Freaked out

Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jaywalked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML