kenyrabit

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

Today, I was threatened with eviction over $6.25. They waited three days to tell me and left me one business day to get it done. Six fucking dollars and 25 goddamn cents. FML

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

Today, I checked my Facebook to find I had been tagged in a bunch of photos from a party I had attended last night. On each picture I had a comment from my mom saying, "You're grounded." FML

Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glanced over and saw my brother's hot friend, who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then heard my mom say, "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML

First date from hell

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire, so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brother's wedding, and introduced me as "The One" to his entire family. FML

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart-to-heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

Oh, hai Mark

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple of pages, I saw my uncle. FML

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

Ticklish

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said, "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was, "So does yours." FML

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said, "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

Emotional support

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

Love language

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I would be ecstatic if he hadn't stuck the ring on his balls and asked for a blow-job. He even confessed that the original plan was to stick it on his penis but it was too small. FML

Classic

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML

Mean girls

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

Nice comparaison, thanks

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML