Mademoiselle 38 ans Célibataire
Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML
Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML
Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML
Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML
Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML
Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML
Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML
Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML
Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML
Today, I got dumped during sex. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is having an affair with the same guy my ex-wife left me for. FML
Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML
Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML
Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML
Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML
Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML
Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML
Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a onesie. He sleeps in it, goes out in it and won't take it off, not even for sex. FML
Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML
Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML
Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML
Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML
Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML
Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML
Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML
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