Mademoiselle 38 ans Célibataire
Today, I was fired over the phone, losing my only source of income. When asked if I was okay, I explained that although I understood why, I was a little peeved they'd chosen my birthday to deliver the message. My - now former - boss then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in its entirety. FML
Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML
Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said, "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML
Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML
Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML
Today, I was fired for "smelling like garbage". I'm the guy who throws the garbage into the truck. FML
Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML
Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML
Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML
Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML
Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML
Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML
Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML
Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML
Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML
Today, it's been so long since I heard from him, I had to look at my boyfriend's Facebook page to see if we're still in a relationship. FML
Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML
Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML
Today, while working at the bar, I accidentally spilled a beer on my chest. Several drunk men whistled and seemed to enjoy what they saw so much that they bought even more drinks and started coming onto me. My boss asked if I could do it again on my next shift. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML
Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML
Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parents' bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML
Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML
Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12-page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML
Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML
Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML
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