Mademoiselle Philadelphia 9 ans
Today, I found out that my 50-year-old ex-husband and the 20-year-old skank he cheated on me with are buying the house next door to me. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML
Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML
Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML
Today, I finally found a dress I'd been missing for months. It was in a casket, on my recently deceased cousin. FML
Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML
Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML
Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML
Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML
Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML
Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML
Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML
Today, five minutes before closing, a customer was taking a bike from the row while I helped someone else. The customer ended up pushing the whole row down and left instantly without even apologizing. It took me about an hour to pick up the bikes and check for damage. FML
Today, 30 seconds after waking up and shuffling into the bathroom, the mother of all spiders lost its fight with gravity and fell into my lap while I was peeing. I went from 0-100 wide awake and screaming at 6am. FML
Today, at 32 weeks pregnant, I found my boyfriend passed out face down in his own vomit. Not only does our freshly-painted game room now smell like a dirty bar, but he also let our 2 strictly indoor cats outside. They have yet to return. FML
Today, I tried to redeem a gift certificate my fiance and I had been given for a free romance package at a hotel. The hotel closed permanently four years ago. FML
Today, my boss had me walk a mile to the nearest store to get food for a party because she didn't want to lose her parking space at work. Her shopping list had two gallons of juice and a 10lb bag of ice... I had my legs and arms. FML
Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML
Today, my boyfriend accused me of ruining his life by getting pregnant. Apparently, the "love of his life" has now left him, and it's all my fault. I thought we were monogamous. FML
Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me "re-Pete" because I have a bit of a stutter. FML
Today, I was working at Subway when a middle-aged lady demanded that I give her a sandwich for free. When I refused, she took out a spray bottle of water and sprayed me in the face, like a cat. FML
Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML
Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML
Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML
Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML
Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML
Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML
Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML
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