Mademoiselle Philadelphia 9 ans
Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML
Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML
Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML
Shake it off, girl! You're doing great!
Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML
Today, as a flight attendant, I had to deal with a passenger staring at a stewardess constantly and masturbating. His wife was sitting next to him and didn't mind. FML
Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML
Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML
Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML
Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message while we were having sex. FML
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, I've been caffeine-free for 2 weeks. It's turned me into a constipated angry bitch. FML
Today, my therapist said, "Y'know, Sarah, you would be a lot happier if you laid off the cocaine." I don't do cocaine. I never have. FML
Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML
A fun solution from your friends at FML!
Today, I learned I have a slight allergy to wasps when I cut down a dead tree they made a home out of. Half my face now looks like I'm wearing a fat suit. FML
Today, while helping at my grandma's church, the new Orthodox Priest encouraged me to come to confession because he was sure I would have "a lot of stories to tell" and finished by seductively winking at me. FML
Today, my 81-year-old mother threw out the packaging for a 3-day-old $1,700 monitor I was going to return due to a defect. I live in my own home, but she randomly visits to "clean up" without asking me. Now I'm stuck with an expensive, defective monitor. FML
Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when footprints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML
Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML
Cheerleading? No... This is Sparta!
Today, I arrived at work unusually happy after having shared a wonderful date and first kiss last night with the colleague I've been in love with for months. Today is also the day she received an offer for the job of her dreams across the country. FML
Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I've received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman, as it's the best way to improve the company. FML
Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML
Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML
Today, I was having sex with a guy that I had been dating for a while, when I suddenly went into an anaphylactic shock. Instead of helping me and calling the emergency line as I was losing consciousness, the guy drunkenly slurred to me that I should "just calm down" and then went into a deep snoring sleep. FML
Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML
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