Mademoiselle Philadelphia 9 ans
Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML
Today, during a romantic shower with my girlfriend, I slipped, fell, and took the both the shower curtain and rod with me. My dignity hurts more than my butt. FML
Life is just one giant storm sometimes!
Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML
Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML
Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML
Think outside the box!
Today, I found a 2-page letter nailed to the door of my car demanding that I break up with my girlfriend, Janet, so that a "real man" can date her instead. I’m a single straight woman and I don’t know anybody called Janet. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML
Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML
Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML
Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML
Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML
Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML
The most frustrating sound ever.
Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML
Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML
Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML
Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML
Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML
Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML
Today, I scored the winning goal for a tournament. Too bad it was for the opposition team. If only looks could kill. FML
Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML
This is basically me during every conflict I've ever witnessed.
Today, my 18th birthday, my boyfriend took me out to dinner at a nice sushi restaurant half an hour from where we live. Right after we ordered I started having an allergic reaction to my birth control and spent the next 2 hours dry heaving on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. FML
Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML
Today, I noticed that my dad's WhatsApp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML
Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML
It's hard to turn things around sometimes.
Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML
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