Mademoiselle Philadelphia 9 ans
Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML
Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML
Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML
Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML
Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML
Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML
Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML
Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML
If a tree falls in a parking lot and nobody flinches, did it really fall at all?
Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML
Today, I learned that my position will end in the next month. When I asked my boss about it, she told me I would have to reapply for the job to keep it. I have to pass another interview test for the job I've been working for the past 8 months. FML
Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML
Today, my grandmother got my future mother in law's phone number somehow. She managed to upset her so much that my fiancé now wants to call off the wedding. FML
Today, we had to run a lap around the football field at band practice. I've had severe asthma for several years and it decided to kick up. As I sat on the ground, wheezing and crying, a fellow member ran past and muttered "fatass". FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML
Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML
Today, while my fiancé was showing me the finger guard on his brand new, very sharp knife, he managed to slice his finger open and throw the knife onto my leg, cutting me also. There's now a nice trail of blood on the carpet all the way to the bathroom. FML
Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML
Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML
Today, I sat down at my computer for the first time in a week, and discovered that my cat had thrown up all over my keyboard. I needed to write up an important document but the chunks were stuck down in the keys, effectively locking it up and making it useless. FML
Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML
Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML
Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML
Today, a guy tried a pick-up line on me and followed me into a nearby mall. He left me after 10 minutes, but later sent me a request on Instagram. I never gave him my name. FML
Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML
Today, it was my best friend's birthday, so we all went out for drinks. She had a little too much and needed to be picked up so I opened her phone and called "bae." That's when I found out that not only does my husband have a second phone, but he's also cheating on me with my "best friend." FML
Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML
Today, I thought I was going to get lucky with my girlfriend. Instead, I learned that she thought I was an ugly, masculine girl. All of our "dates" had been her taking me out to improve her chances when looking for guys. FML
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