Mademoiselle Philadelphia 9 ans
Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML
Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML
Today, I bought variety condoms. I chose one called "Endurance" thinking it would be extra strong, put it on him, and gave it a suck. I realised my mistake when my lips and mouth went numb. It has benzocaine on to delay him. I still can't feel my mouth. FML
Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML
Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML
Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML
Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML
Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML
Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML
Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML
Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML
Today, my best friend, who I've had a crush on for over 2 years, and who I could describe as unattainable, asked me out on a date. It went great and ended with an amazing kiss. Then she texted that she thinks she actually likes girls. She's unattainable, alright. FML
Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML
Today, during my run through a nature preserve, I rounded the corner to a pair of legs sticking out on the trail. My first thought was that someone was hurt, but as I got closer I realized it was one guy blowing another on the side of the trail. I had to jump over his legs. FML
Today, for the second time in a year, I am a victim of bank fraud. All my money was in there, and I move today. FML
Today, I saw that my biological father took his two favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML
Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML
Today, my crush won the bet that I made with him yesterday. The bet? That he couldn't land a date by the end of the day. Not only am I down $10, but a possible boyfriend too. FML
Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML
Today, I got laid for the first time in over a year. The girl then texted her location to her boyfriend, who I didn't know about. He smashed four cars, including mine, with a sledgehammer and ran off before the police arrived. FML
Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML
Today, I got fired because I abruptly hung up on my boss while being pulled over for talking in a hands free zone. I also got a $300 fine. FML
Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. He actually had the balls to say her leg was asleep and he was trying to wake it up. FML
Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years and I announced our engagement to my family. While congratulating us, my sister couldn't help bursting into tears. I thought they got on well, he thought they got on well, she has been in love with him for the last 5 years. FML
Today, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview someone I’ve greatly admired for years and grew up watching. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t expect to be so nervous I would throw up on him in the first 5 minutes. FML
Today, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a yeast infection. It’s been 3 hours since I’ve been home and my husband won’t stop referring to me as "cheddar puss". FML
Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML
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