Water_fml

Today, a couple of mates and me have a reservation on this fancy restaurant to celebrate Chinese New Year. I found out that 80% of our money goes to the wine tasting event that they have, a free flow of gorgeous, decent wine all around. I'm allergic to fruit. I'll stick to my 20RMB water bottle. FML

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his Facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies, asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

OK thx goodbye

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with, "Who the hell are you?" FML

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

The gays

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

You tried!

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

Flewchart

Today, at a strategy session, my manager displayed a flowchart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML