UHGG

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

Seriously?

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

Mr Beard

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

War drums

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

They're after us!

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Halfway through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She now won't talk to me. FML

How did it come to this?

Today, I had to say, "Put away your burrito," "That ruler is not a lightsaber," and, "Stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

Kids will be kids

Today, my 4 year-old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML