tygerarmy

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

Today, I went to get a haircut. The guy next to me was in an Army uniform and had requested a short buzz cut. My stylist had to take a call, so another came out and there must've been a miscommunication, but by then, she was already fast at work. Guess who got stuck with the other guy's haircut. FML

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

Today, as I was instructing our new third grade students about how our martial arts classes are safer than people think, someone broke their leg right in front of their innocent faces. They saw the bone sticking out. FML

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for two weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

Thanks, Dad!

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

Why not?

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she wants to dress me up in her clothes, with a wig and makeup. FML

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

Remember now?

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

Joker brain

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about superheroes." FML

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

Today, I found out that my husband told his mom that she can move in with us once his time in the army is over. We are moving into my house, and he didn't think it was important to run it by me first. FML

Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML

Today, I was jogging on my farm when I discovered a cave. Unfortunately for me, I discovered said cave by tripping and falling into it where there was still a 10ft drop to the bottom. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

You OK, hun?

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML