Mademoiselle 30 ans Célibataire
Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML
Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML
Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life." She has had the same mullet haircut since '84. FML
Today, I accidentally pressed the panic button under the register at work. I didn't even know we had a panic button until the cops showed up. FML
Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said, "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said, "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant I work at. FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML
Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML
Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year-old boy. FML
Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML
Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML
Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML
Today, I got an invitation to the "Going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML
Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML
Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML
Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML
Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML
Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them, and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML
Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML
Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML
Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML
Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML
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