Monsieur Fortson, USA 49 ans En couple
Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML
Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML
Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML
Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML
Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML
Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML
Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML
Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML
Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML
Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML
Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML
Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML
Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML
Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML
Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML
Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML
Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML
Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML
Today, I was getting out of the shower, when my boyfriend decided to ask, "Did your boobs get smaller, or did you just gain weight around them?" FML
Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, I gave my boss a nickname. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately, "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML
Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML
Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML
Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML
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