mollylollypops

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

Bad omen

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML

Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

Get the message

Today, I received an email from my potential employers at the zoo, saying that they won't be hiring me. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't keep sending me the same email every two hours to remind me that I am still unemployed. FML

Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

Classy move

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house, just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

Macabre date

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML