laden_swallow09

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

Today, I came home to find my house destroyed. I was so devastated, I cried. I had spent days hand-crafting the house to perfection, down to the finest detail. On Minecraft. FML

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Halfway through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She now won't talk to me. FML

Today, my house got egged. Why? As a joke, my friend bought me a doormat that says, "A Canadian Lives Here." I'm Canadian. FML

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

Trippin'

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter, or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

Right, Imma head out

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML

Value

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

Territorial

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

You hypocrite

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending in my resume, as no one had hired me in three years, and that the situation was unlikely to change. FML

Today, I was at my job in the Halloween store. I had to tell someone, "Please stop hitting the Bieber wig with that pimp cane." FML

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

ADHD brain

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple of seconds later and played video games instead. FML

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML