Hyderabad
Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML
Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting three hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML
Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML
Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML
Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML
Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML
Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML
Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML
Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML
Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML
Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML
Today, my boyfriend emotionally proposed over dinner, and I said yes. Soon after he left, he tweeted, "I just fucked up...." and a few minutes later called me and claimed the proposal was a prank. FML
Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML
Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been having an affair with my childhood bully. FML
Today, I got the most action I've had in months when a stranger fondled my thigh on the subway. It was a blind man, searching for empty seats. FML
Today, I was getting my picture taken with my mom and grandma for a portrait. I said it was going to be beautiful when it was done, with three generations of our family in it. My grandma said that would be true, if I weren't adopted. FML
Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML
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