Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML
Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML
Today, my girlfriend was going down on me. She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm not in the mood anymore." FML
Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and me. It started with, "I love you", and ended with,"You and your brother were mistakes." FML
Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say, "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML
Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML
Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply? "I gotta work that day." FML
Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML
Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML
Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML
Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML
Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML
Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML
Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML
Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML
Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML
Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML
Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML
Today, I had to explain to my mother that it's inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML
Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML
Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML
Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML
Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML
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