Mademoiselle Maryland Célibataire
Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML
Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year-old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML
Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML
Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML
Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML
Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML
Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML
Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML
Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism." FML
Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML
Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML
Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML
Today, I got hit between the legs with a kayak. FML
Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML
Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML
Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML
Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML
Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML
Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year-old son. He wriggled away and said, "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or get another Simon!" FML
Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML
Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days… I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML
Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML
Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML
Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML
Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poop. FML
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