KagamineLennerd

Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

Creepy

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

Today, the mouse trap I set in my kitchen worked. I caught a snake. FML

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

Peckish

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

Judge Judy

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: + 1. About an hour later, I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: - 200. FML

Snap!

Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML

Diss track

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML

Today, my stepdaughter called to say hello and to give me a warning: she will do whatever it takes to keep me from having a baby with her dad, including pushing me down the stairs. I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and we were going to tell her this weekend. I'm now petrified of a 10-year-old. FML

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

First impressions

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

Today, a pregnant woman got on the bus. There were no free seats, so I stood up to give her mine. An obese man pushed past her, waddled over, and oozed into my seat. I said it was for the pregnant lady. He called me a "sexist bitch" and claimed he needed it more. FML

Words are hard

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

Generation III

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

Thanks, I guess?

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

Awkward pause

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

Today, I found out my mom thought I was a lesbian because I dated a girl in high school. I didn't date anyone in high school. Apparently, guys never asked me out because my best friend told everyone that I was her girlfriend. I had a two-year lesbian relationship that I never knew about. FML