Monsieur Pennsylvania, United States 30 ans Célibataire
Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML
Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML
Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML
Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML
Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML
Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML
Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML
Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML
Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML
Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML
Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML
Today, after living in my apartment for nearly a year, I heard my neighbor having a violent toilet session. Now I realize he's always been able to hear the wrath of my bowels too. We wave at each other every day. FML
Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of three years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no-no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML
Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML
Today, my teenage son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML
Today, my landlord started showing my apartment, where I have lived and paid rent for over 2 years, to prospective tenants. I didn't realize that I was moving. FML
Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML
Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from a girl I've had a crush on for a while. As I was about to accept it, it vanished. She explained later that she clicked on my name by accident, and didn't actually want to be friends at all. FML
Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML
Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML
Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML
Today, I had just sat down in the lobby of my doctor's office when my phone alerted me that I had a friend request. I checked; it was from some girl from high school. I muttered to myself, "I don't want to be your friend." I then heard a gasp. She was sitting across from me. FML
Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML
Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she'd been sleeping with him. FML
Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents' house instead. FML
Today, I was pulled over for not having my car inspection up to date. I had my car inspected two weeks earlier. Since I'm at college my sticker was mailed to my home. My mother didn't want to pay the 42 cent postage, so now I have to pay $250 because my mother is cheap. FML
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