Mac_Anderson

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

Tasty

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

Today, I asked my classmate if she was ready for the final tomorrow and she said it was yesterday. I'm not a bad student - I have 90+ average in the class - but the final was 50% of my grade. FML

Great prank, thanks

Today, I had to rush to the airport to catch a flight to California for my sister's wedding. On my way out, my roommate gave me his neck pillow for comfort. Turns out the pillow was filled with weed, and I was arrested while going through security. I missed my sister's wedding. FML

Animal

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

Four more years of this shit

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

Run Away

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

Today, I was barely out of the shower when someone knocked on the door. Thinking it was my husband, I opened the door wearing just a bathrobe. It was my husband. With two cops. "Do you know this man?" FML

Today, I finally met my long-term partner's mother, which I'd been nervous about for some time. Whilst using her bathroom I managed to knock over a large, ornate mirror and it chopped her toilet in half. FML

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

Caught

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

Bazinga

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

No thanks

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards to ask if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML