Peanut421

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

Knackered and shattered

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

Sorry, but…

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

Priorities

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It's cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

Stoner

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

Today, after weeks of intense studying with the intent of pulling my grades up, I saw that in fact, they've all gone down. FML

The Beach Boys

Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

Who dis? New phone

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML