ry0yuu

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

Jerry! Jerry!

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

Today, I found out why my wife insisted on naming our first child "George" if it was a boy. It was her first love's name. FML

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

Just a prank, bro!

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML

Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me telling me she's pregnant. FML

Wild ride

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be got to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year-old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the Bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML

Infuriating

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full-time job at one work place would be too "depressing." I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML