mnmolino

Great conversation starter

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

Boys will be boys

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML

High times

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

Home improvement

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

Today, I discovered how startling it is to wake up by having your cat springboard off your face. The intended prey? Two fornicating geckos on the ceiling. FML

The Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

Owner of a lonely heart

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

Great idea!

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

UNAGI!

Today, I have been left home alone, the electricity has cut out, and I am petrified of the dark. I am stuck downstairs making karate noises every few minutes to scare off creepers. FML

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML