Today, I found out my husband had bought my one year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML
Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML
Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML
Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML
Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML
Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend of a year and a half to meet my parents. Turns out he dated my mom. This should be a fun dinner. FML
Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML
Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML
Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and me. It started with, "I love you", and ended with,"You and your brother were mistakes." FML
Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply? "I gotta work that day." FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML
Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML
Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML
Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML
Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML
Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML
Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML
Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML
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