shugacube

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

Awkward

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML

Today, I found out I'm being evicted from my apartment on my birthday. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I got a surprise call from LA Fitness saying I've been signed up for a two week pass. It's from my boyfriend. Didn't see this one coming. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

Today, I finally decided to do regular biology rather than honors biology, thinking honors would be too hard. My first day in regular biology, my lab partner asked me whether a rock was alive or not. FML

The usual?

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

Today, whilst at my awards night, I got a boner, right as it was my turn to accept my award. To avoid a awkward situation, I flipped it up and under my belt. This failed to make the situation any less awkward, because the head of my penis poked out through my shirt, in plain view of the audience. FML

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year-old son answered the door and when he saw me said, "Oh great, it's YOU!" and slammed the door in my face. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

Yay me!

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

Disney magic

Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year-old man, or the 6 year-old girl I was talking to. FML

It's sus

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

Please stop

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

Stalker vibes

Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML

Nice try

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

Powerful

Today, on the train, a cute girl gave me her number. After maybe half an hour, she went to her seat and I went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump. I opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell. FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML