Monsieur
Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML
Today, I was in my hotel room. I picked up an expensive wine from the mini fridge, just to see what it is. I heard a mechanical "bling". I was charged for it. Then, I tried to put it back, only to hear another "bling". I was charged twice for expensive wine that I won't even drink. FML
Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me." My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML
Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML
Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML
Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML
Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML
Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML
Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML
Today, I watched my neighbor bring his dogs into my yard to let them empty their piss-pipes and poop-chutes. He does this twice a day. I put a "cut it out" sign up. His dogs peed on the sign and knocked it down. My lawn is a landmine of dog logs and I don't know what to do, besides installing actual landmines. FML
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML
Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML
Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML
Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML
Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML
Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML
Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML
Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML
Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML
Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML
Today, after a little detective work, I found out the money that recently went missing from my college fund was transferred by my mother, to her own account. She claims it's to pay a parking ticket. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't know they fined people over $3,500 for a parking violation. FML
Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
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