babe7260

Today, I hired a cleaner to clean my apartment so when my in-laws visited tonight, they wouldn't think I was lazy. I got home from work, the cleaner hadn't shown at all, and my in-laws had arrived early. My mother-in-law is now mopping the floors. FML

Losing it

Today, I went to visit my great-grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

Let's get it on

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

Shut up!

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML

You hypocrite

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

Cursed underwear

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

Mr Rogers

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

Equality

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

Today, my boyfriend's father suggested that, ideally, I should aim to have my baby in early July, or wait until he gets back from Europe in October. I'm due September 4th, and he will be "incredibly disappointed" if he misses the birth of his first grandchild due to my "selfishness". FML

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

Gunked up

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML