GTOmg

Left hanging out to dry

Today, I clogged the toilet at my boyfriend's house. I couldn't fix it and was too ashamed to say anything. I can't handle confrontation, so I had to just sit there as my boyfriend's brother ended up getting blamed, then grounded for "lying" about it not being his fault. FML

Today, I did a California stop during a drive with my Driver's Ed teacher. He made me get out, hug the stop sign and apologize to it. FML

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

Today, I put some leggings on and I was feeling pretty good about how well they fit since I've been trying to slim down. Then I noticed the tag. Not only are they a size larger than I usually wear, but I also stretched them so badly that "Spandex" is now two words. FML

Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

Shady stuff

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

Oh no…

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

Feel this FML

Today, I now know how it feels to have a splinter of wood hammered a full inch underneath your fingernail. FML

Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML

News to me

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

Today, I had a terrible stomach ache and had some pretty bad gas at work. I tried to head down to the basement for a while to allow my coworkers to continue in peace. About an hour after I came back up, my boss called pest control due to the horrible smell that "must be dead rats". FML

Hi there little guy

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

Alexa, play "Let Down" by Radiohead

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

Today, at work I did inventory with my boss. He did the top shelves and I did the bottom ones. By the end, my knees were dirty and sore. I went home and my roommate asked me how my day went. I absent-mindedly said, "My boss had me on my knees all day." He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML