GTOmg

Today, I finally got to meet the new Director of my department. She was my intern eight years ago, the one I declined to recommend for a full time position due to interpersonal conflicts. She knows. FML

Creepypasta

Today, my ex-best friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year because of how obsessive she got, posted a picture of herself with dyed brown hair and glasses. We look like twins. Even I thought it was me. Some people are commenting that I look beautiful. School starts tomorrow. FML

Today, once again someone pointed out how much my brother and boyfriend look alike. FML

End of the road

Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML

Small world

Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my roommate has been dating is my mom. FML

Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML

Safe bet

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the need to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

People suck

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

Today, I want on a date with a man I met on the internet. While talking over drinks, I asked him what he did for a living. He said he was a salesman, and that he's really good at it. Interested, I asked him what it was he sold. "Cannabis." FML

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

Nope nope nope

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

Today, my boyfriend came home from a two week vacation and told me I needed to move out. FML

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

Today, I tried to fix my wife's brakes and change her oil before I worked on my truck. Seven hours later both vehicles are unusable. FML

Today, I started my first training day using an MRI machine and completely forgot to remove my nipple piercings before I went in. I've never experienced a pain so vile and lingering in my life. FML

Geography lessons

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

Fetishes come in all sizes

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

Today, I'm still awake from not sleeping last night. The reason? At 2am I was in my garage when all of a sudden someone's phone went off outside. I live in the country and no one should be out there. Looks like I'm not sleeping for the next few weeks. FML.