Monsieur Célibataire
Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML
Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML
Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML
Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML
Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML
Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML
Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML
Today, I was waiting in line with my boyfriend behind me. I decided to hold his hand and rub his chest while we waited. Then I heard a female voice behind me that said, "Ma'am, please don't touch me." FML
Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML
Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML
Today, my neighbor's daughter started learning how to play the trombone. FML
Today, I found out that Cheetos are flammable, as is my hair. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML
Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML
Today, the tickets I bought for my favorite band's concert arrived in the mail. The concert was last night. FML
Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML
Today, I broke my tooth nearly in half. On a completely unrelated note, the Jew's Harp is my new least-favorite instrument. FML
Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML
Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML
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