QuietMarie

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

Today, the creepy kid on the bus saved me a seat again. Thinking he wanted to be friends, I followed him on twitter. He was doing a live video feed so I checked it out. It was of me. FML

The One

Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

It's Thursday!

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

Today, I watched in horror as my dad picked up a dead centipede, placed it on his tongue, and then swallowed it. FML

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg, and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

Today, I was cutting a client's hair, and she was complaining about how itchy her head was from having it too long. As I lay down my comb and shears, three lice bugs ran across my counter. FML

I don't get paid enough for this shit

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

Weirdo freak

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

On the sauce

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML

Cool

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out." He was right. FML

Charity

Today, I worked a carwash as a fundraiser. Being nice, I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I don't like school

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

Today, I went to dinner with my mom and her new boyfriend. At the restaurant, while we were eating, he started clapping and singing, "If You're Happy and You Know It." My mom joined in. They sang loudly. Loud enough for the entire restaurant to go quiet and stare. FML

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

Rough

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

Movie theatre fun

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing, "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

Today, I was pitching at a fastpitch softball game. The other team chanted about the ball being too high and almost hitting the batter in the eye. After throwing the next pitch, the ball was savagely returned by the batter, straight into my eyes. FML