South Gate
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML
Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML
Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML
Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML
Today, I realized that my manager and I have synchronized menstrual cycles. She gets extremely bitchy, and I get extremely vulnerable and emotional - she yells at me and I burst into tears. FML
Today, I was trying to pass a lady with a stroller, when she nearly fell. I used my ninja-like reflexes to catch her. Too bad my ninja-like reflexes didn't block the punch that she delivered to my fap-stick for apparently being a "pervert" for saving her. FML
Today, the power went out at school. If it's out for more than twenty minutes, standard procedure is to let us go home. They came back on almost nineteen minutes later. FML
Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML
Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow barmaid asked how are we supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML
Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML
Today, while I was at a urinal, a man came up to use the one next to me. He then said, "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out." He then stared at me until I left. FML
Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML
Today, I got a letter from Yale Law School saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing… even the bottom of the letter, which said, "April fools' ! Love, Mom and Dad." FML
Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML
Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML
Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML
Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML
Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML
Today, I came home from a long shift at work to find that my roommate had completely rearranged all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposed to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bed is in the living room. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML
Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML
Today, I repeatedly had to ask people to please stop groping the mannequins. FML
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